Heavens help us: Amy Kean's 2022 marketing horoscopes

Anyone can be anything these days. Instagram influencers can be novelists and thirteen-year-old boys can be stock brokers and gambling addicts. 

Your racist mate from school can be an antibodies expert, cowboys can be artists and lying pricks can be Prime Ministers. All you have to do is manifest your dreams with a vision board and irrational self-belief.

Trends are ten-a-penny in ad land right now, but horoscopes actually mean something. 

So, I’ve decided to be an astrologer. I did an online course. It’s quite easy - you just look at the stars (a telescope helps) until everything becomes abundantly clear and you’re magically able to tell people their fate. Trends are ten-a-penny in ad land right now, but horoscopes actually mean something. 

Horoscopes are REAL. They’re science. In fact, brands should be using star signs as their primary source of audience segmentation. “We’re targeting Geminis with this one,” says the client, and you immediately know their media consumption habits: mostly Onlyfans and a lot of casual gaming. Why bother creating personas when the solar system has done it for you? 

Above: Amy channels the cosmos for her predictions for 2022.

After two years of stress and uncertainty, the stars are telling me the ad industry’s in for a super-hot 2022, with lots of excitement and surprises. And the occasional accident. But look, selling products and services isn’t easy, and a few of you (*cough* Capricorn *cough*) are going to let your egos get in the way. I’ve been studying astrology for five days now and my predictions have never been wrong, so consider this a warning and subtle prompt to DO BETTER. 

Aries (March 21 to about April 19) ♈

You’re gonna break a lot of hearts this year, Aries! No, seriously. Your twisted obsession with delivering irreverent, immersive experiences will see you launch the world’s first ever branded kidnappings, resulting in no less than 17 cardiac arrests over the course of the next 12 months. As Leo moves through the Horn of Plenty towards the end of April, it’s likely you’ll partner with Brewdog in a predictably misjudged series of PR stunts that will enrage the general public and further cement your reputation as the very worst this industry has to offer. “Why do you always do this?” your partner will say, as they pack their bags and leave your five bedroom house in Surrey for the final time. 

Your twisted obsession with delivering irreverent, immersive experiences will see you launch the world’s first ever branded kidnappings.

Taurus (April 20 to about May 20) ♉

Did somebody say existential? 2022 will be a year of soul-searching for you, Taurus, as you come to the realisation that life is so much more than just a cookieless future. As the sun enters Aquarius I see a dramatic departure from the data-fuelled prison you’ve been living in for at least a decade; potentially in the middle of a conference as you deliver the keynote entitled “Ain’t No Party like a First-Party Data Strategy”. You’ve always been lazy, Taurus, but now’s the time to walk the talk, quit the rat race and open that racoon cafe in Margate you’ve always dreamed of. 

Above: 'Branded kidnappings' are in the stars for Aries' advertising experts.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21) ♊

Oh fucking hell, Gemini. We get it, you’re full of shit, but do you really need to take things this far in 2022? Rumour has it the Gemini is two-faced and erratic, which has fared you well during shiny celebrations like International Women’s Day. But, this year, as the moon moves through the ocean at dusk, your dedication to bullcrap will reach its peak and you’ll launch an ‘empowering characterisation agency’. Inspired by the makeunder of the Brown M&M from sex siren to girlboss (or whatever) you’ll pitch personality transplants for all the greats: the Michelin Man will discover mindful eating and the Laughing Cow has down days because… don’t we all? And, predictably, the board of your stupid new agency will be all white men wearing Yeezys. 

You’ll pitch personality transplants for all the greats: the Michelin Man will discover mindful eating... and, predictably, the board of your stupid new agency will be all white men wearing Yeezys. 

Cancer (June 22 to July 22) ♋

Thank you, thank you, thank God for you: the wind beneath our wings. Cancer: I dread to think where the ad industry would be without you in our corner, acting as everybody’s moral compass. Shhhhh. It’s ok. Don’t cry! Do you want a hug? Ok… come here… Anyway… 2022 has big things in store for you because you finally get the recognition you deserve. As The Equinox backs up into Mercury’s mojo in May, you’re going to create a LinkedIn post so viral that everybody in the global media and marketing industry knows your name, face and job history. You’re finally gonna be someone, Cancer! And then you’ll get found out, because it was all a lie and you didn’t really have that conversation about CRM strategy with a homeless man on Waterloo Bridge and the photoshopped selfie was just poor taste, but the 15 minutes of fame will feel lush, so enjoy it. 

Above: Gemini's will be inspired by the makeunder of the Brown M&M.

Leo (July 23 to August 22) ♌

This is your year, Leo. But who are we kidding? EVERY year is your year! Dramatic and loyal, you’ll be the freelancer everybody wants to work with; the leader Gen Z looks up to, the brand that everyone tries to beat! The moon isn’t just on your side this year, Leo, the entire universe is, so grab life by the throat and kick every other sign in the balls. 2022 is a year of invention for you, dear Leo, and not only will you unveil a real-life competitor to the Metaverse at a one-day festival in Hyde Park, but you’ll also be credited for creating the world’s first 360-degree jingle that follows consumers everywhere, for every waking second of their day. Sure, there’s some ethical considerations but details ain’t a lion’s vibe. Go forth, and roar in their ears!  

Virgo (August 23 to September 22) ♍

I’m not angry, Virgo. I’m disappointed. Like… I know you’re the logical, practical sign, but that you pick 2022 as the year to inexplicably lead a protest against the four-day week on the streets of London’s Soho is bizarre to me. Apparently, the general corporate population can’t be trusted to get work done outside of Monday to Friday, 9-5? Charming. But Virgos love a cause. The Sun tiptoeing around The Big Dipper mid-year is the sign you need to shut your mouth and for God's sakes stop trying to win every single bloody argument. No one cares what your definition of “the new normal” is. Move on. 

Above: In 2022, Libra will embrace the virtual world.

Libra (September 22 to about October 23) ♎

I like you, Libra. And so does Uranus, because 2022 is going to be a huge year for significant movements with you smack bang at the helm. The touchless augmented reality retail revolution has got your name on it, Libra! Because why would anyone want to actually, physically touch things in shops anymore, when they can wear helmets or glasses that show virtual versions of those things? You’ve got your head screwed on, your case for the phygital realm is compelling, and when that walking-through-a-metaverse-version-of-Wallmart video becomes real, we’ll all have you to thank. God bless. 

You’ll invent a new marketing concept called ‘agile surrealism’ which means nothing and everything at the same time.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21) ♏

Scorpio, I get a kick out of your vibe. We all do. You’re mysterious, complicated, and fucking insecure. Which means your approval addiction is out of control and, as Saturn paints your aura purple in June, you’re gonna sweep the board at Cannes with a campaign for a charity that doesn’t exist. Lauded as some kind of marketing genius, you’ll invent a new marketing concept called ‘agile surrealism’ which means nothing and everything at the same time but gets you hired as a consultant by the innovation guys at Diageo. 

Above: Capricorn's future holds the promise of a beach, Bali and bridge poses.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21) ♐

Well, it was only a matter of time, Sagittarius. In 2022, you’ll release a business book. You’ve always been a philosopher - which makes you fun at parties - but your growing desire to be known as an intellectual will see you self-publish an irreverent tome called Infectious Ideas: bringing a pandemic mentality to your business. You’ll rinse the metaphor more than anyone has rinsed a metaphor before, promising to tackle “herd immunity to big thinking” and creating a PPE framework (Positivity + Passion = Energy) you tour around all the big agencies, before making it to number seven in the B2B book charts. Well done. 

Amongst your smug digital screams of “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!” and “PROBABLY NOTHING 🤷‍♂️” you’re going to get shafted by a massive scam called SexyCoin.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19) ♑

Hate to be the one to break it to you, Capricorn, but this year you’re going to be radicalised by the crypto movement. In 2022, Neptune, the planet connected with compassion, will be in conjunction with Jupiter, the planet associated with abundance, but unfortunately you’ll have neither. You’re known for your dedication to cash and strong negotiation skills, but amongst your smug digital screams of “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!” and “PROBABLY NOTHING 🤷‍♂️” you’re going to get shafted by a massive scam called SexyCoin, before moving to Bali to become a yoga teaching life coach.